Stacked Relationships

My wife and I just returned from an amazing weekend in Kansas City for the last Village Gathering of the year. What is a village gathering? Good question. It's a small gathering of kingdom-minded people who are all learning to walk together in Jesus. That description is so vague it does not do it justice, but then again words fail when talking about Jesus. Anyways, on to the point of this post, stacked relationships. What does that mean? What does that look like? How do I stack my own relationships? I can only give you my thoughts based on experience, so you should definitely take my words with a grain of salt and just pray about what I'm saying. See if God speaks to you more about this on your own time.

What does this mean?

Driving through Kansas, on our way home, we listened to Ben Pasley talking about concentric circles of relationships. (Do yourself a favor and subscribe to his podcast.)

But what I want to focus on here is what we currently believe to be true about relationships; which is they are all flat and one-dimensional. Social networks like like Facebook and Twitter have misled us to believe that we should share everything with everyone and shouldn't leave anybody out. The current mindset is this; "I need to increase my followers/friends because that means I am important and everyone should listen to what I have to say." I know, because I've been there. But this is just nonsense. The more followers/friend you have does not equate to you being more than you already are. You, alone, are awesome. You, alone, are most valued. We need to learn how take back the relational grounds in our life and give them proper order.

What does this look like?

I think Kansas, in all its vast plains of nothingness, is actually the perfect analogy here to help us get a mental image about "flat" relationships. Like Kansas, flat relationships have no depth and no real order. Everyone is on the same basic level. In this environment you can look out and find those you've known for over 10 years on the same plain as those you've known for only about 10 minutes. That doesn't seem to make sense, because you wouldn't say things to a person you just met as you would to a trusted friend of over 10 years. Well, at least you should be guarding your heart from sharing too much information with acquaintances. That's a hard lesson I've learned. The flat land also leaves you open and vulnerable to attacks. There is nowhere to run and hide. The only option would be to go underground.

So if Kansas is the perfect analogy for "flat" relationships, then I would have to say that Colorado, in all its many splendor, makes the perfect analogy for "stacked" relationships. And by "stacked" I am talking about giving proper order to those people in your life. Yes, proper order will involve excluding people from certain "stacks" in your life. But do not be afraid, this is the best way to protect yourself and those you love. Just like a mountain provides caves and crevices to take shelter in, so too does giving proper order to your relationships. But not only will it provide protection, it will also free you up to really invest in those you most care about and love. Remember those toys we played with as kids, the one where you had to stack the circles from largest to smallest? This is the perfect image for what I'm talking about.

As you can see from the image, the widest circle goes on the bottom and then you have the smallest circle on top. So too is it in the realm of properly ordered relationships.

How do I stack my own relationships?

This is where you have to roll up your sleeves, dust off your heart and take a really good look at it. You have to be willing to be shockingly honest about people and where they fit into your life. Here is a really practical approach to properly placing people in your life:

1. Write your name (and spouse, if applicable) down in the center of a piece of paper. This is the most "holy of holies" when it comes to relationships. Protect this space at all cost. Then draw a circle around that.

2. Write the names down of people you most trust around that inner circle. This can include, but not limited to, friends, family and pastors. These are people you trust with your heart. These are people you make time for even if you don't have any time to spare. These are the people who you love. Now draw another circle around all these people.

3. Write the names down of people you would call friend. Maybe these are people you like to spend time with on occasion. People you would make plans with to grab a beer, a coffee or dinner. These might be brand new relationships with folks you feel a connection with, or people you've known for a while but don't get much time together with. But you know that your relationship with these people are pretty much surface level. You don't give or expect to get the depth of your journey from these relationships, and that's okay because you've already identified those above. Draw another circles around these people.

4. This is the outer atmosphere. In my life, these are people I know online or may have met once or twice in person. These are people I like to talk with on occasion but our relationship doesn't hold any real weight. It doesn't mean I'm not happy or excited to talk with them, but simply means I don't trust them with the weighty things in my life. I don't open up to them about my personal life and I sure as hell don't trust them to protect me when the storms come. These people are more commonly referred to as acquaintances.

In closing

These are broad brush strokes when it comes to the intricate details of our relationships. And while we may never fully understand how to live together in harmony, there is simply no excuse not to try. I think that's why Hebrews 12:14 tells us to "make every effort to live in peace". I am certain we will mess up. I am certain we will both hurt others and get hurt in the art of building relationships. But we have a secret weapon. Grace! Give it freely.

Freelance Week #39

Hello. Let me begin with an apology for my lengthy delay in these posts. I have received nothing but wonderful feedback from you guys and I just want to express my deepest gratitude for your continued support and encouragements. Hearing the impact it has on you really motivates me to keep writing. Now only if I could figure out how to slow down time or add more hours in a single day. But I'm not complaining, I'm just learning how to manage my time better. So without further ado here are some things I've learned lately:

On Work

Work is good. Sometimes it doesn't even really feel like work. That is one of the biggest blessings about what I do. The fact that I can draw things and design things and people want to pay me is amazing. I was having a conversation with a friend this week at lunch and he was saying that even though he may complain about taking pictures of lawyers he was still done with work by noon. I love that positive mental attitude. Because I know good and well how easy it is to complain when our work turns mundane and not really that exciting. You see, I have this theory that all of us (creatives) have a life-long struggle with contentment. We can't help it. It's in our nature to always want something more than what we have. We always wish to be somewhere else we're not. We always strive for the best and are the first to criticize ourselves when we're not. But the truth of the matter is that we just have to keep making. The second we put our pencils down is the same second in which we start to get frustrated. I can only speak for myself here, but the seasons in which I neglect my creativity is the same season I feel most discontent with everything around me. Creating is about more than just the finished product, it's about the journey of self-discovery through the creative process.

On Life

Learning to separate life and work is a daily challenge. It's more than just the time away from home and the number of hours I put in everyday, it's also about how much time I give thought to work even when I'm at home. And I think this is why I've been truly blessed with friends who don't do what I do. Whether I go spend time with Jason, Keith or Tim I know that we can still connect on a level much deeper than what either of us do for a living. But there's also a reason I have friends like Matt and Brenton who are very creative and share in my passion to always be pursuing the next best thing. There is a balance to everything in life. We can't be too far one way and neglect the other side. Things aren't black and white in this world. There are a million different colors in this world and it takes a heap load of grace to see them all.

On Faith

If faith without works is dead, and if we receive salvation by faith not by works, where does that leave us? Could it be that we're called to a place of rest now? I remember writing about this before earlier this year, but one of the best ways I can explain this is from a conversation I had with my friend Ben Pasley. He explained in a very simple way that we work because it's something God called us to enjoy, not to merely provide for ourselves. God is ultimate provider, all things come from Him, and all we have to do is trust Him. But all this talk of trust and rest can be quickly taken out of context. The promise of rest God offers us is one that speaks to our identities in Christ, and frees us up from striving to make people like us. So then it doesn't matter what we do, how good we do it or whether or not it's better or worse than the next guy. It's always been about doing it for the glory and honor of our Heavenly Father. That's the kind of faith I want to live in.

Try Something New

Life without a phone

Over the past two weeks I survived without a phone. That means for two weeks I experienced the joy and struggle in living without a device that keeps me constantly connected to the world around me. But I didn't choose this of my own accord, it just kind of happened. To make a long story short, my phone was killed by the salt water in Florida thanks to a faulty iPhone case that claimed to be water proof. That's not the point of this post though, so without further ado here's what I learned:

Feeling like a kid again

The joy in living without a phone is the simplicity of life. I didn't have to worry about filling awkward silences in life with fumbling through the apps on my phone. I didn't have to worry about interrupting my life to tell the world in 140 characters or less about something that doesn't even really matter. I didn't have to worry about taking pictures of the food I ate, the shoes I was wearing or the sun setting. Instead I got to enjoy those small parts of life with those people I love in person.

I really loved not having to worry about these things. Seriously. I enjoy dealing with silence and figuring out what to do about it. When I'm not distracted by what everyone else is doing it gives me a chance to do something unique. I could read a book. I could go for a walk. I could do a million other things and no one else has to know about it. It reminds me of when I was a kid and all I had to rely on for fun was my imagination.

It's Still Tough

As much as I celebrate the fact that I survived without a phone for two weeks, it was still difficult living day-to-day life. Probably the most challenging part was the lack of communication I had with my wife during the day. Apart from instant messages and emails when I was working, I didn't have any way to contact her until I got home.

Without a phone it's easy to feel disconnected from your friends. But I feel it actually forced me to be even more intentional with those closest to me. I was still able to find ways to connect with those close relationships I have here at home and a few states away. It may not have been as easy as a push of the button on speed dial, but at least I was able to talk to them.

The first few days of not having my phone were the most difficult. But the longer I went without it the more peace I felt about not having my phone. I was totally disconnected from everything and it was great.

Something to think about

If I have learned anything these past two weeks it would have to be this: I have given technology way too much attention in the past. Meaning, instead of just living in the moment and enjoying memories as they happen I've been consumed with capturing that moment and sharing it with the world. But what does that really profit me? What's the point of sharing memories with a thousand other people if you can't enjoy them with the few you're with in the moment?

More in number than the sand

The facts are these: 1. Losing my phone to the salty ocean water was a blessing

2. Fresh shrimp + ice cold beer + best bros = best way to spend an afternoon

3. Waking up to see the sun rise over the ocean will speak more to my heart than a million books ever could

4. Dance parties are always better once everyone's had a few drinks

5. Spending a week on the beach just isn't long enough

After making one last pass through the beach house on Saturday morning, just before our drive home, I couldn't help but feel a hint of melancholy. This house had come to know the sounds of early morning coffee, the pitter patter of a toddlers footsteps, the way wine poured in our glasses and the way we all rose our glasses to give thanks to the Father for allowing us to be together in one place. The walls still echoed our laughter and talks from the week before. Of course we will always have the memories, and photographs, to look back on and remember. But there was something deeper I think the Father was talking to me about that I want to try and bring to light.

The beach house was a representation of His body, His church. It was built with plenty of rooms to rest and plenty of space to stretch out and relax. It had a huge kitchen to cook in and a big table to gather around and eat and drink at. There wasn't a moment in time that I ever felt cramped or that I couldn't take a few minutes to escape on the porch and just sit in silence to watch the ocean. In essence it had more than enough room for all twelve of us that stayed in the house. We were free to move around and come and go as we pleased. We were free to get a little crazy and have a dance party in the same way we were free to just chill and relax. Most of all we were free to be ourselves.

One of the coolest things that we all got to experience being down at the beach was the sand. It is everywhere. You can't escape it. When we would get home it was all over the floor and even found its way in our sheets. You could sweep it up and try and wash it out, but the next day it would be back again. And that's the amazing part, because in the same way that we could never count the number of grains of sand on the beach is the exact same way God thinks about us. We can never count the thoughts God has towards us. And we can try to ignore them or get rid of them, but they'll be back again tomorrow.

I love how the simple things in life are the most profound.

The Past Two Weeks

The past two weeks have been super busy for me. I feel like in one week I went from no work to full capacity. Which is great though, don't get me wrong. I feel like I've expressed it here before, but there's nothing worse than not having work to do. However, in that lull I found time to pick up speed on some other personal projects. My buddy Matt and I are making leaps and bounds over at Folly. I found time to put together a new site to sell premium instagram prints, aptly named Steedagrams. But more importantly I am continuing to learn how to be at rest and remain thankful in times of lack. My current condition does not change God's position in my life. He is still good no matter what the condition looks like.

Business is still a vast ocean to me. I feel like I know just enough to get in my boat and start rowing, but still wonder if I should have read the owners manual. I guess my view about business is the same about everything else, it's all a learning process. But I know that even if I go out beyond the site of land and my boat sinks I know how to contact help. The friends I've made along the way these past 5 years of designing are so valuable. People are always the most important part of any adventure. I hope I never forget that.

Lastly, just want to say thanks for your continued support and readership. Keeping up with this blog continues to prove itself a challenge, but it's your comments and encouragements that keeps me going. Thank you.

Love and Marriage

Before I got married I thought I had it all figured out. I knew the right words to say. I knew how to be romantic. I even thought myself to be a pretty sensitive guy. How's that verse go? Don't think of yourself more highly than you should? Well I was definitely on my high horse, and now I know what it feels like to get knocked off. Side note: I've only been married for six and a half years, so I won't pretend to know it all. However, having other marred couples in my life as examples of what a successful marriage looks like has given me hope and a little bit of insight.

The Challenge

Marriage has to be one of the biggest challenges we will ever face in life. It's not something you can just set on cruise control. It takes work, a lot of work. It will break you down and build you up. It will expose the most selfish of desires. It will test your patience, kindness and grace all in a day. And as a man, it will offend your pride and test your integrity.

My friend Ben said it best when speaking about his wife of more than 18 years;

"My wife is more interesting to me than anyone else. She is also a great problem for me because of the continuous challenge she poses to my instincts that are not toward intimacy and trust."

I love reading that last line over and over again; "The continuous challenge she poses to my instincts that are not toward intimacy and trust." Dang! That shines a big fat spotlight in my heart. I face the same challenge every day with trusting and loving my wife. But the other part that really struck a chord is this line, "a great problem." I love to solve problems. In fact, I make a living solving problems. But the heart of a woman is anything but a problem to solve. It is a great mystery. I don't want to think of my wife as a problem to solve, but I know it's in my nature to try.

The Truth

Real love comes in the form of a choice. It's not a feeling. What the movies and books don't tell us about love is what happens after the happy ending. The part where you have to roll up your sleeves and do some work. The purest form of love I know chose to be humiliated and die. I think Jesus endured physical pain, to the point of death, because he knew a love that was greater than a feeling. That's the only kind of love I want.

The Reward

Intimacy with another person. When you trust someone enough to let them see your dark side, and they still love you, that is something to cherish and protect.

My friend, let's call him Ed, said it best; "I failed my way to success in marriage." That's a bold statement, but then you'd have to know Ed. He's overcome a lot in his life by the grace of God to speak those words. I love his testimony and getting to watch now as the Father rewards him openly for the many battles he's had to fight in private.

So now I continue on in my marriage. Not led by my feelings or how the world says a husband should act, God help us, but by the Spirit of Truth. Confident in the hope I have in Christ to keep our marriage on solid ground. That our common bond is found, not on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.