What is that saying, “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” … thank you FDR.
So then what is this fear I have? Let’s start at the beginning and see if I can’t navigate my way through this. Not in any linear fashion but in the reality of the situation, which seems to bend and break and zig and zag all over the place. My fear of starting. My fear of approaching a form that wants to take hold but too timid to see it through to the next phase… not completion but maybe something more like appreciation. My constant game of playing what-if when I look at the work in process in front of me.
Sure I can easily rationalize my way around these fears. The solution in my mind seems easy. Don’t stop, don’t think too much, just continue working. My mind is really strong and stubborn. But I want to learn how to feel these feelings and not just think my way through them. In my experience I’ve often found that in any situation fighting my thoughts with more thoughts is pointless. An endless cycle. But when I am able to distance myself and give my attention to something else for a while I find the feeling and solution I was looking for without even thinking about it. And it’s good to remember here that there is no need to label anything to do with the mind as good or bad, right or wrong. Simply allowing the fear to be here, acknowledging its existence, and then being kind and curious with it like I would with my own children.
For aren’t fears really like children anyways? A fear is only asking for something it needs. But too often I forget how to be attentive to my fear and instead neglect it or go on with my fingers in my ears not listening.
When I set about to start a new work. Anything. I always like to throw myself into the middle of it. I like the confidence it builds in me to stand up to my fear and keep going anyways. So the fear of beginning, that at one time was most difficult, has now subsided a little bit and feels easier to grapple with. I can move my brush around and start making connections in an instant. My brain on fire. I can be moved by my instinct very easy. Letting my brain take a rest and instead rely heavily upon intuition. Never with a clear roadmap in mind but trusting that I’ll find what I’m looking for as I go along.
The middle, however, is where I find I’m getting lost. Once I have a couple days spent in total surrender to instinct and surveying the landscape of what’s emerging is when I start to feel it. Caught in quicksand I’m at once surrounded by this beautiful landscape I’ve created and also scared I’m sinking into the unknown. Is it possible that this unknowing is what makes it so impossible to move forward? How often have I felt I was moving in a good direction and then spun on a dime and went off on some other path? What will happen on the other side is always unknown in the moment.
Duh!
The moment. Staying in the moment. Being present. And as good as this reminder is I still feel it’s lacking. It needs substance. I need to know the weight of what the moment is offering me. The balance of bliss and elbow grease. I’m searching for it. Somewhere in the drawers of my past I hope I’ll find it. Whether it be a person or a place or a thing unspeakable. And that unspeakable-ness is what I’m struggling with in painting. At once I’m confronted with the fact that I’m attempting to give rise to new language and imagery and yet still I try and make my paintings look too much like paintings I’ve seen before? Why do I insist on recreating the past when I have so much to learn about being present? This. Right here. This is as brutally honest as I can be right now.
But I can’t get ahead of myself here. The outcome is not mine to control. Today is enough.
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PS // This desire has been growing in me to talk more openly and candidly about how I work and what my process looks like. As much as I enjoy the immediacy of inspiration and beauty found online it is also a heavy burden. One that I take full awareness of is my own doing. But it is an odd thing to bring awareness in a space that so often goes unnoticed and is almost acted upon with impulse and a desire all its own. That, of course, being addiction to technology. But as I’ve been reminded lately; transcend and include. I don’t wish to completely remove myself or my work from the social atmosphere that has been a huge help. Nor do I wish to dive deeper into its framework and play the games that social media has designed. Instead I want to continue to draw and shape healthy boundaries around what I choose to let in to my inner world.
Thank you to those who read this and those of you who are deep wells of inspiration in my life. You know who you are.