As I sit here this evening, wine open and ready to pour, I am already wondering if this will be the night our two year old will finally sleep through the night. New year right? Can a two year old really make any resolutions though? Hold on, now I have to fill my glass…
2014 Columbia Valley Cab Sav. Damn this a good glass. Was it a good year for wine? I have no clue about wine but I like to pretend I do because I drink so damn much of it. Or maybe I’m just like many of you who pretend that if I use words like “bright” and “fruit forward” and watch the SOMM documentaries on Netflix then I’ll impress you. Pssh… what a waste of time. (drinks)
Who writes blogs anymore is probably about to blow this whole post up and cause me to hit delete, log off the computer, and go sit my ass on the couch. But my meditation this evening has me really fired up to say something. Rather, not one something but many somethings. That is what has unhinged me this evening. That sharing all the craziness is a way of connection. To simply share and see them for what they’re worth and not attach myself or my worth to any of these things.
And that is this beautiful phrase spoken by Tara Brach; my thoughts are not my enemy. You see how profound that is? If yes, then welcome to my world. Constantly evolving. If not, then welcome to everything I thought growing up. It was within the confines of religious dogma that I was handed that told me to take every thought captive, resist my body, and deny myself pleasure. Pointing externally to change instead of reflecting the finger back to my inner being and starting with self love. How far we fucked it up. Pointing to Jesus to do the work for me. Deferring my own life, death, and resurrection to someone else.
Getting off on a tangent here. Not wanting to let my past take the wheel here. I acknowledge that I still have a lot to sort out with where I land on the issue of God and such. But those details are much finer grains of sand that fall in between the cracks of my life. And I can’t pretend any longer that I have the slightest idea on how to sort them out here before you in one goddamn post. (drink)
This feels good though. Not just the wine, although yes that too. More like a “both and” going on here this evening. But wow, admitting and acknowledging what I’ve for so long held back and tried to control. The “bigger than me” shit. Instead of allowing them to take the wheel and lead me down an exhausting tangent and feeling like I don’t have the legs to stand on. Now, I just can let it be. Let it hang out there unfinished. Because I’m still unfinished. I am not over.