The sun, rising, radiates in the yellow leaves outside. I’m surrounded by all this natural light in my little corner of the world. The connection to nature is strong here. I am the cycle of life happening in the trees just beyond these window panes. Summer offers shade and a brief reprieve from the heat. In winter, dead weight gives way for new growth. Which leads me to this: How can I be more like a tree?
My wife, always one step ahead, ordered this sweatshirt a few years ago. You know, one of those shirts with the goal of informing anyone you meet with a simple statement of who you are in a matters of seconds. It simply reads: Was Cool Once. I rolled my eyes. My initial reaction was superior and sarcastic. As if the mere presence of her sweatshirt offended my whole being. Trying to act like I’m still cool when being cool isn’t what made me who I am in the first place. Trust. Worth. Love. These are the fundamental elements that make up my being. But it hasn’t been an easy path to trust and love who I am.
I lived and breathed “coolness” for much of this last decade. So long as the followers and numbers of likes continued to prop up my own ego I was good. I caught that influencer wave early, and cringed at the word influencer/content creator along the way. Constantly wanting more attention and forming my life around when the next pic would post. I’m the guy standing up on chairs in restaurants to snap a pic of my food. I’m the guy standing in a mountain stream with nothing but my underwear on. Shit, I felt on top of the mountain during the height of my insta-fame. And don’t get me wrong, I loved every part of it. But social media is like a cup of Maruchan Instant Ramen. It’s easy to make, but not sustainable.
And then I turned 39. This past June, sitting at home on the eve of my birthday, I reflected deep into my life. Looking over not just the last year, or 10 years, but the last 20 years. And I began to see a pattern of change and growth that brought me much gratitude. I am not the same me as I was at 19, 29 or even 38. Thankfully. I have made life-changing moves and lived to tell about it. I have managed to love and grow my marriage alongside a beautiful woman who challenges me. We both aren’t who we used to be, yet we’re both more kind and loving and willing to let the other be their truest form. This is the fucking trick right here: control has no place in a marriage. I was once given a prophetic word when I was 20 years old about my wife. In it, the man said that I would end up trying to control my wife and she wouldn’t respond to that, but if I loved her the way Christ loves the church then there’s no person on earth who wouldn’t respond to that. Almost 16 years later I am fully convinced this is true. And not only for my marriage, but for me personally.
I started to let go almost 7 years ago now. What started on a couch in therapy now continues in my practice on my mat on the floor. Shifting my perspective from one who has to fix and control to one who is patient and accepting. Cultivating my curiosity saved my life. Giving up absolute truths and the need for answers has opened so many unexplored spaces in me. Living a present life has helped curb my anxiety around needing to be seen, validated, and told I’m worthy. Nothing outside can ever heal the questions on the inside. And this, more than anything, gives me great courage to put my pants on everyday and make something that didn’t exist before without bothering to be seen as cool. I gotta do me. You gotta do you. And I hope we can all learn to lead with love and respect for one another as we learn to let go.
