Embracing this Messy, Beautiful Life

Ask anyone who knew me growing up and they would tell you the same thing, I was a neat freak. That term alone, "neat freak", says a lot doesn't it? I've never really felt normal, for a lot of reasons, but one of those being that I've always been obsessed with order. Order in my closet, order on my plate and even order with the friends I have. For example, I would go to sleepovers at my friends house and clean their rooms... for fun. Totally normal. I feel like I was living from this place in my heart that said, "If I can just have control over these small areas in my life, then maybe I can control the rest of the chaos going on around me." Order and control really go hand-in-hand.

I've never had anyone tell me I have OCD. Maybe I've just always been a highly functioning OCDoer. Maybe that's why I succeeded in the military? Whatever it is I still feel out of sorts these days when things aren't in their right place. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Struggle is Real

For the first few years of marriage I was really passive aggressive about letting my wife know that I did not approve of her messy habits. Instead of using my words to communicate how I felt (INFJ's are you with me?) I would just rather do it myself. (Struggle!) Because God knows my way is the best way, and if her work didn't measure up to my high standards then I would just have to redo it anyways. So I might as well do it all myself. (Struggle!) And even when she did offer her help, to clean or organize or what have you, my heart was wrapped in a cord of criticism and self-doubt that I couldn't accept the gift she was to me and appreciate her help. (Struggle!)

The struggle, I've found, isn't really about the order of things, or the way in which my wife cleans, but more about the position of my heart. If my heart is seated on a couch of criticism then nothing will ever be good enough.  I feel part of the blessing and the curse of being creative is that 1. I am highly critical of myself first and 2. it's easy for me to be highly critical of others. The self-criticism exists, I believe, to give me a meter reading on my work and the intuition to know when something I'm working on is complete. Under the right direction, mainly the Holy Spirit, I feel like that can be used for good. But to criticize oneself just for the pure pleasure of it is unhealthy. And then the criticism of others is just something I have to constantly repent of.

Enter Parenthood

Although I know we've made major stride in our marriage in the past couple years, many thanks to those in our life willing to speak truth in love, I don't know if anything really prepares you for life after a baby. The very axis on which your world spins gets totally flipped, twisted and spun around. The notion of anything "normal" is all but a brief memory in the rearview mirror quickly fading on the horizon. There is nothing but uncharted terrain ahead and you never know where the next road leads. But it's exciting! Even for someone still caught up in his struggle with order. All the unknowns and unorganized parts of life now aren't just stacking up against me, I feel like they are helping establish trust between my wife and I and helping pave a way of greater faith in God. And sure, as much as I still try and keep my daughters hands and face free from snot, drool and food there is nothing I love more than her little messy embrace.

One final thought

This past year has brought a lot of new changes in our lives. Having a baby, like I mentioned, has been one of the biggest and brightest changes I think I'll ever know. We also moved in the middle of summer to a new home. This process of settling in hasn't been easy. I wish it were. I wish I could be that person that "rolled with the punches" and not let the little things bother me so much. But I do. And I think I have to admit that to move forward. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I can choose to be thankful for where we are, smack dab in the middle of this beautiful messy life, and take things one step at a time.

What's the Opposite of a Creative Person

This question hadn't even entered my mind yet until my friend leaned over and whispered it in my ear. We were sitting in the back row waiting for Gungor to go on, listening to the man make general introductions, when he said something to the effect of, "a great place for creative people..." and I trailed off not really paying attention. But when Matt leaned over and asked me, "What's the opposite of a creative person?" I was intrigued. I mean, of course it's easy to lump people into groups like we so casually do. Our brains like to compartmentalize everything. We live in a "bite-size" society where everything we consume is in nice little digestible chunks. I think it has something to do with all that damn Halloween candy.

BUT WE ARE PEOPLE!

You can't put a person, or a group of people, in a box. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER! You see, Patrick Swayze had it right all along. Every one of us has a uniqueness that makes us at once exactly the same and yet totally different. But when we focus on trying to squeeze this group or that group of people in a box and put a label on them we are only doing a disservice to ourselves. Even greater, as if our identity depended on a particular label in the first place. It's immature to think that what we do defines us and places us in a bracket with these other people doing similar things and by which should be the only other people we associate with. Rubbish, my friends.

YOU ARE CREATIVE!

Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. No matter if you're a doctor, lawyer, trash collector, tax collector or government-grade button pusher – you have every right to be creative as I do. Sometimes it's not so much what we're doing that hinders us, but what we're not doing. The limitations we place on ourselves, by ourselves, often obstructs what we ourselves can do. So then the question, What's the opposite of a creative person, really isn't a questions any more after we recognize that in all things we can be creative. I'll leave you with more weighty words than my own:

"Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all."

- Colossians 3:11

When everything needs to be shared

When everything needs to be shared then what moments are left to be sacred?

I found myself sitting in an office across town yesterday trying to explain what I do to someone 10 years my elder and completely out of the loop on the whole social media game. To drive my point home, he didn't even know how to pronounce Instagram. It was hard not to correct him. He then proceeded to ask me if he should join Instagram, to which I replied (in short) "no". Not that I'm against anyone older than, umm 32, joining Instagram or anything. And I'm all for trying new things. But I also don't believe in blindly following trends. And let's be honest, Instagram is a huge trend right now.

We have a problem on our hands.

The more we constantly share every thought and image we experience on a daily basis, the less we actually sit and contemplate the simple joys of being alive. Whatever happened to keeping something to ourselves? When was the last time you existed for more than 30 minutes without any technological distraction? And what do more likes, comments and followers really mean at the end of the day? I'm serious. Take away my numbers on Instagram and I'll still go to sleep in peace tonight. But that's completely opposite of what I've experienced in person over the last year. It seems more is better. More followers. More likes. MORE! We are a culture driven by more. We are consumers driven by more. We are "content creators" always wanting more. But to what end?

Take more mental pictures

The next time you're out with your friends or family and the moment is happening right in front of your face, don't reach for that little black brick in your pocket. Instead, let the magic of life unfold before your eyes. Think about the millions of tiny electrical signals firing back and forth in your brain that give you your senses to see and hear and touch and feel. Then realize that those people around you are worth more than any number on any social network ever. I speak this to myself just as much to you. I'm not always "in the moment" as much as I should be. But I'm learning to be. If not for my own good, then for the good of my daughter. And I think that is something worth fighting for.

Thirty Two

Dear Thirty Two,

Hello you beautiful bastard. Good to see you. But let's be honest, 32 isn't much of a celebration. It's one of the many "in-between" birthdays between 30 and 40. However, another year has gone by and with that many challenges and victories have been faced.

Looking back over the last year it feels like one giant tug-o-war with my soul. Where we were all set to make the big move to Colorado last year and settle in to our new surroundings high above sea level, now we have decided to stand our ground and stay put in Dallas. Also, I'm pretty sure this time last year I had no idea what to expect out of papahood. All I knew to expect was the unexpected. Talk about a total game changer though, but in the best way possible. More on that later though.

First, a few things I've learned this year when it comes to work. Honestly, it ain't no trip to Cleveland. Not that any of this has ever really been easy though. The transition from last year to this year has proven to stretch my ability to believe beyond what I can see in new ways. Maybe it's all wrapped up in being a new father. But after moving on from Over last year I had to adjust my mindset back to being self-employed. It was honestly a comfortable four months while I was working with them, getting a steady paycheck and all, but at the same time I feel like it hurt me by making me feel comfortable. And if there's anything I've learned through it all, it's 1. don't get comfortable, and 2. know where my security really comes from.

Moreover, getting the chance to travel this last year has been one of the highlights of my year. From the beautiful coast of central California to the ancient cities and deserts of Israel, there has been no shortage of adventure. This time we live in is so exciting, filled with so much opportunity – don't miss out by waiting for something better. It's not good enough to just do what you love, you really have to love what you're doing enough to go through the hard times. That's why I am so incredibly thankful to have an amazing, beautiful, supportive wife by my side who continues to believe in me – good times and bad.

I mentioned believing beyond what I can, or as most people like to call it – faith. These five letters formed together make up something far beyond what words can describe. The great ups and downs of our lives are woven together with it. It is the very life and death of us all. That's why I believe King Solomon was right when he said our words hold the power of life and death. My faith this year has grown in new and challenging ways. On the one hand I feel like I've gone from the mountain top experience of witnessing the birth of my daughter, to the depths of the lowlands as I struggle to find ways to sustain my business. Through it all I know I am loved. And as my good friend Doug told me a few weeks ago, "The Father loves y'all so much." Pow! That's the kind of simple encouragement that makes everything else seem small.

But more than any amount of travel or struggle this year, nothing can top the birth of my daughter. Most of my feelings leading up to her birth were full of the unknown. Hearing other people's experiences and encouragements were really great, but being by my wife's side for the 18 hours of labor and being able to help deliver my little girl is just beyond words. The connection my wife and I formed during that time is priceless. And now, as each day passes, watching my little girl grow up is a wondrous gift. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for the new space that opened in my heart after my daughter was born, and what great love flowed from it.

So here's to another year gone by, and a new year laid out ahead of me. I can't see from one day to the next, but I believe life is only getting better. Like a fine wine, our lives continue to mature and develop more complex notes of character. I'm excited to see where I'll be this time next year, but now it's time to put one foot in front of the other.

On Work - On Starting

The blank page. The endless possibilities. The flood of inspiration. All of these are huge roadblocks in our path to creating. We will never start something if we're always scared of making a mistake, or always comparing ourselves to others. We must break through the barriers. But how?

Just start something. Draw the first line. Take the first shot. Play the first key. You see where I'm going don't you? The only way to overcome the fear of starting something is not to simply ignore it and hope it goes away, but embrace it and take one step toward it. The greatest part of any journey isn't found at the end, once you reach your goal, but along the way and all that you learn and overcome.

So what are you waiting for? Stop waiting for the right resources. Stop waiting to be "inspired". Make do with what you have. Be creative, in the truest sense of the word, and use your imagination. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to get it right the first time. There is no right or wrong when we create. When we enter the realm of creating we leave behind our sense of direction and are guided by a force much greater than us.

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On Work - Failure

Let's be honest, failure is an option. Sometimes failure can even be just as important as succeeding. Not to say we should ever focus on failing, or even be happy when we do fail, but it's definitely worth reflecting on why it happened and what we can learn from it.

Those who say "failure is not an option" obviously have never tried something that scares them. Because for anyone who has attempted something that makes them a little on edge, then you know that failure is just a natural part of the process. Failing at something doesn't mean you didn't try hard. We should learn from our failures in hopes of 1. not repeating them and 2. doing better the next time.

Failure is also about perspective. I choose to believe that every experience in life, both good and bad,  is a stepping stone. Yes, even the times we fail at something we are moving forward. It takes just as much guts to try something and fail at it, as it does to try something and succeed. We can never know the end from the beginning. Isn't that why we get out of bed every morning? To try something new, even if we fail.