On Faith - Doubt

I've asked this question of myself a lot lately; "What do I really know?" On any given day, I feel like I only really know about a handful of things:

1. Wake up

2. Drink coffee

3. Work too much

4. Change a diaper or two

5. Lack grace for myself and others

But it seems to me that I'm in the perfect place. I mean, who really feels like they know it all anyways? I wonder if Jesus ever felt like He knew it all? I remember reading somewhere that He only did what he saw His Father doing. And that's all I really want to do. But most of the time I feel like I'm stumbling around in a thick fog waiting to see what's next. And that's when I can start to doubt the goodness and faithfulness of God. Because if it isn't happening right now it feels like it never will. Damn you, instant gratification!

Doubt can be a serious crutch for the creative person. Speaking to myself here. As one who is intuitively feeling and judging, I am prone to feelings of rejection and failure. You can stay in this place, feeling like you can only create out of a place of hurt and pain, but it will hinder you. Self-pity confuses who you are with what you do. Always striving to prove yourself. I know because I've been there before a million times. Where do you think that saying, "starving artist", comes from? It's not just about food, but starving for one's own identity. We flounder around like fish out of water. Desperate for the water to fill our lungs again. We try to douse ourselves with the praise of others or the fleeting success of our work, but it always dries up.

Doubt can also be a powerful tool. I believe that doubt is just as important in our walk with God as faith is. The two are more complimentary than we think. I have a hard time believing that God created man, and woman, to respond to Him without questions. If we never allow ourselves to question our faith then how do we expect to find answers? Just look at Jesus' own disciples as the perfect example. They were always asking Jesus to explain himself, and when He spelled it out for them they still seemed confused. I'm sure at one point or another we have all stood there feeling even more frustrated by the truth in front of us.

I find it comforting to know that in my doubts I can still have faith.

God didn't create all of this beauty only to leave us frustrated. He has come to set us back in our right place. To create an order out of the chaos. I don't have to know it all to trust the one who does. I don't have to see the end from the beginning to believe the one who can. And I don't have to conjure up some enormous amount of faith only to fool myself, and others, that I've got it all figured out. If faith is a gift then let's choose to believe that great things really do come in small packages.