Neighborhood Cellar // Behind the scenes

Amidst the growing clouds of dust and drowning sounds of construction there lies a wall. A wall you can walk by. A wall you can ignore on your morning commute. Think of how many stories a single wall could tell if it could talk. That is part of my ethos, I guess you could say, on what I hope to bring out in my work. Wanting to give and create pause. Giving it because I believe life is worth living slow. Creating it in the hopes that others too will take a moment for themselves before the selfies overtake them.

When I approach the wall I have to let go of my own desires and allow what the wall wants to speak come out. More like an intuition. An observation. Allowing my hands to trust my gut. This piece specifically deals in a very tangible way the long, hard road to learning to trust myself… namely free handedness. Not relying on technology to guide my hands.

being my own mirror

I’ve never really been good at goodbyes.

It was more like a pattern I learned. Modeled for me in another statistic of a marriage ending in divorce. Little did I know at the age of five that I was entered into a database. Entered into a collective consciousness that says when things get hard we just give up, or turn to sweeter cheeks, or stronger drinks. The voice that tells us we deserve better.

Decisions on where I would live or who would raise me being made for me. Learning then how to stand idly by and let life happen to me.

Little did I know.

The other night on the couch in a moment of certain clarity (maybe the sky was aligned just right) it suddenly occurred to me that most of the living I did when I was younger felt like I didn’t have options. Or, rather, that it was all just happening to me. Outside of my control. Like I just had to accept things as they were. Never once stopping to ask myself what I wanted or how things could be different. It was all “go along to get along.”

Never a thought occurred that maybe I could change. Not even aware in the moment that this is not how things are meant to be? Nor did anyone tell me that I had a voice. I see it now, looking back with as much compassion as I can, that somewhere along the way my self-worth had been put on pause. And so I became well versed in the art of attachment. I needed someone/something else to tell me I was good. And if I wasn’t then there was always someone else to be blamed. My parents. My god. My situation.

All of my youth and through my twenties I was what I like to call now a performer. Really good at getting you to like me by channeling your interests and desires into my own and reflecting them back at you. I was your mirror. I was easy to be around because I wanted you to like me. Classic people pleaser. Even Jesus fit into this modality. I wanted Jesus to like me so I was really good at performing the part I had seen played out in those around me. To be better meant to suppress my own desires and ignore my inner world.

But never did I consider myself as one of the crowd. Always feeling myself on the outside looking in. The odd man out. And it is this sort of belief that caused me even further separation and divide from who I really was. Allowing my distorted perspective to dictate my perception. Moving as though the world was all happening to me. Not seeing the role I had to play in it all. Choosing to stand back, or stand by, and let life continue on without me.

Even the choice to give up didn’t occur to me in the moment. Shit! Just like I don’t believe in one moment of salvation. There doesn’t seem to exist one moment of evolution. I am constantly caught up in change and letting go. Sitting down and letting go. Letting go of my god to save me. Letting go of my past to further direct me. Letting go of the white knuckles on my life. Letting go of the controls.

Control is an illusion.

Like a good friend said to me yesterday, “we can grin and bear it but if it doesn’t serve us well anymore then we are free to move on.” That grin and bear attitude to life is real. The “this is what we do” way of life that was handed to me. Teaching me I can just ignore all those feelings deep down because it’s easier to stay afloat on the surface. That fear of letting go is almost too much to stomach. There is no control in a free fall… only a surrender. Moving through gravity that only has one plan for me… push me down. And maybe all the kicking and screaming I’ve done served me well before. But now I find that by sitting down and sinking below my thoughts are where I discover who I am.

At the bottom of everything.

on meditation : or how we carry on breathing

I've spent more than a year now practicing stillness. I prefer this label more than most because it cuts quick to the core... being still. Not something I am historically known for being good at. If it's a lazy day you can more times than not find me busying about the house looking for something to clean or pick up or arrange. But I digress, my practice of stillness moves beyond where I have failed while at the same time acknowledging the missteps and welcoming them with open arms... thank you failure.

Say that with me… Thank you failure. Does it make your insides squirm? If so, then congratulations on being human. I don't like to fail. In fact I have a very real fear of failing. Yet I owe much of where I am today to my failures.

Where I have been impatient I now see a greater ability to wait. Where I have been careless (in word, or action) I now can hold that space in a moment of anger or hurt and welcome the feelings I feel and not act on them. Learning not to let the fear, or discomfort, or anger drive.

Here's a very recent example of how I am growing in my meditation practice. During a 20 minutes sit just the other day, I'd say probably somewhere in the later half of the session, I started to notice a pain in my foot. Any other time I might have stretched it out, rubbed it or held it in some way to try and avoid the feelings. But during this moment of stillness and awareness I simply felt the pain, welcomed the pain, and then proceeded to imagine myself wrapping my arms around that pain and embracing it with compassion. As soon as I had done that the pain had passed.

I don’t pretend to be an expert in meditation. I am simply a participant. But I do believe in what I practice and can say with confidence that there is no other form of spiritual practice that I have kept as consistently as this... simply being. In my experience, meditation isn't just one more thing we need to fill up our calendar with, or add to our daily to-do list. It is a gift we can choose to accept when we have nothing to do.

So next time you find yourself with a blank space of time. Be it one minute, or one hour try being still and see what happens. You don't need to download the newest app or wait for everything to be just right. In embracing our circumstances as they are (kids whining, dogs barking, horns honking) we learn to accept these distractions as part of life instead of allowing them to annoy our lives. Going within we learn that all we need is all we have right here. This, now.

So practically speaking, set your timer (I use Insight Timer) for what feels good to you. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Maybe just 1 minute? Allow space to release the self judgement, and as you focus on your breath for this stretch of stillness let your heart be open. Feel your body. Be in your body.

This is the change we've been waiting for. The change that begins in us.

My thoughts are not my enemy // 01

As I sit here this evening, wine open and ready to pour, I am already wondering if this will be the night our two year old will finally sleep through the night. New year right? Can a two year old really make any resolutions though? Hold on, now I have to fill my glass…

2014 Columbia Valley Cab Sav. Damn this a good glass. Was it a good year for wine? I have no clue about wine but I like to pretend I do because I drink so damn much of it. Or maybe I’m just like many of you who pretend that if I use words like “bright” and “fruit forward” and watch the SOMM documentaries on Netflix then I’ll impress you. Pssh… what a waste of time. (drinks)

Who writes blogs anymore is probably about to blow this whole post up and cause me to hit delete, log off the computer, and go sit my ass on the couch. But my meditation this evening has me really fired up to say something. Rather, not one something but many somethings. That is what has unhinged me this evening. That sharing all the craziness is a way of connection. To simply share and see them for what they’re worth and not attach myself or my worth to any of these things.

And that is this beautiful phrase spoken by Tara Brach; my thoughts are not my enemy. You see how profound that is? If yes, then welcome to my world. Constantly evolving. If not, then welcome to everything I thought growing up. It was within the confines of religious dogma that I was handed that told me to take every thought captive, resist my body, and deny myself pleasure. Pointing externally to change instead of reflecting the finger back to my inner being and starting with self love. How far we fucked it up. Pointing to Jesus to do the work for me. Deferring my own life, death, and resurrection to someone else.

Getting off on a tangent here. Not wanting to let my past take the wheel here. I acknowledge that I still have a lot to sort out with where I land on the issue of God and such. But those details are much finer grains of sand that fall in between the cracks of my life. And I can’t pretend any longer that I have the slightest idea on how to sort them out here before you in one goddamn post. (drink)

This feels good though. Not just the wine, although yes that too. More like a “both and” going on here this evening. But wow, admitting and acknowledging what I’ve for so long held back and tried to control. The “bigger than me” shit. Instead of allowing them to take the wheel and lead me down an exhausting tangent and feeling like I don’t have the legs to stand on. Now, I just can let it be. Let it hang out there unfinished. Because I’m still unfinished. I am not over.

….

B Squad x Big Bend // Part 1

To back up a little bit, this isn't our first rodeo. We've been getting together since way back when. There is this kind of special energy we each inhabit that only lets loose when we join forces. I think it's all about having these close relationships where you know you can trust the others with your life. This trust tears barriers down and then we are free to have fun. And that's exactly what this trip was about, letting loose and having fun in some of the best barren landscapes.

Hit the Road

Alarms were set for 4:30 that morning but the excitement for the trip ahead proved more powerful than sleep. We woke eagerly and packed the last of our bags up on the roof rack and pulled out of the drive. Peace civilization! And there we were, three beating heart on the road while the world sleeps. Leaving behind the real day-to-day life of jobs and families and bills for a week of pushing ourselves to connect with nature and with each other.

But first we needed food, or maybe Matt needed to pee? Not sure which desire is stronger at 5 am. So I found an exit out west of Fort Worth and thought we might find a gas station... nope! Then we saw it. The giant yellow letters glowing/inviting us to come and sit. And sit and eat and drink coffee we did. The best part of our diner experience was the off-key singing coming from the woman behind the counter. Was is Sharon? Rhonda? Becky? Oh well, can't remember her name, but she didn't give a shit about who heard her. We paid up and out the door we went as the sky began it's ascent into a color myriad of morning.

Fully fed and full of caffeine we continue on our westward pursuit. Google maps gives us an easy 9.5 hours to White Sands National Monument. Our first stop. And let it be noted, it takes the same amount of time to drive from Texas to New Mexico as it does to drive from Dallas to Big Bend (both in Texas). But the best thing about driving a Prius is it's a Prius. One of my favorite pit stops, which we did need gas, was the giant Travel Stop sign. I've driven out this way a handful of times and every time I tell myself one day I'm gonna stop. So stop we did. This exit 235 off the Highway has the best example of saying it simple. You know what they've got. BBQ. Breakfast. Steak. Lunch. Dinner. What else do you need to know?

Lost in Lamesa

Miles of concrete, dust and oil rigs. As the landscape flattens out beneath the sky the wind turbines stand up tall and the horizon is littered with oil rigs devouring the earth. But then you roll down the window and feel the dry air. Suddenly the heat doesn't seem so bad. From the backseat I closed my eyes for what seemed like only a few minutes and woke up in this town forgotten by time. This "blink and then it's over" town on the far Western edge of Texas is a goldmine of sun-baked structures.

I feel like every so often I stumble across something that is able to grab hold of my curiosity so vividly. And it seems like in the moment I can never answer why. But I just feel it deep in my soul. That's what this town did for me. I'm pretty sure we could've spent hours here exploring every dusty back road and abandoned building. Thankfully we had enough energy to spare to keep pushing forward. For we now but just a few hours from touching down in White Sands.

not just another thing to do

My journey so far can be fairly summed up as follow:

born (obviously) ... handed a certain set of beliefs from my parents (christian religion, more specifically of the baptist kind) ... coming of age freedom to explore my own truths (a mix of pretty severe legalism, hyper charismatic spirituality, house churches, hippie churches at higher altitude, dinner party churches, staying up late drinking too much wine churches, mixed with long stretches of resisting organized religion in any form) ... add all that in the mixer and shake the shit out of it and pour it over a few cubes of ice to end up in my present state (deconstruction)

More specifically, almost two years of personal therapy and gaining back my inherent sense of curiosity that got lost somewhere along the way. Not somewhere, but being stuck in the middle of my parents divorce at a young age and developing my own sense of safety by retreating inward. A self-sufficient person cannot last that long in a healthy marriage. It took me better part of 10 years to finally figure that shit out. I came to the end of my rope in my marriage where the road map ended and to continue on required crossing a threshold of unknowing. That scared the shit out of me. And not just scary movie scared or some bullshit, but the kind of fear that comes when you look at reality in a mirror. That fear that makes you choose to fight or get the hell out. And thankfully I'm pretty damn stubborn so no way in hell was I giving up on myself or my marriage.

Wow... All that and I still haven't got to what I actually thought I was gonna write about today. But it's all good, I have a way of taking my time to walk the long way around the edges of the circle before I dive in deep.

Meditation. Or, rather, the lack thereof in my education and culture growing up caused a lot more anxiety and judgements to be made. Side note: I'm the king of making snap judgements. Forgive me. Pressing on, I was never given a broader look and understanding of the world as a whole growing up. Eastern culture/philosophy was just not taught. Or if it was it was taught in a way that needed to be "saved" or "stayed away" from. As if Jesus wasn't Jewish enough or something? But fuck, come on, the whole notion that the West has won and we don't need anyone else to tell us how to think, act, feel is terrifying. And look where it has gotten us now. We elected the perfect mirror of how our country thinks, acts and feels about the rest of the world.

Meditation. My process began probably before I knew what to even call it. There's always existed an inclination inside me to sit and be quiet. But before, I didn't know how to let go if something was bothering me. And Christianity offered no real answers other than "just pray" or "lay it down" ... whatever that shit means. Basic self-denial bullshit that disconnects us further away from loving ourselves and taking responsibility for how we think, act and feel. And then I began to study and read and learn that my thoughts are not who I am. That sitting in quiet meditation for 5, 10, 20 minutes at a time allows me to look at myself with compassion and let the thoughts flow over, around and through me and not have to do anything about them. Nonjudgemental observation is a better name. 

Meditate. Do it or not. One of the greatest things I carry with me now is the truth that to meditate is not to add just another thing on my to-do list for the day. But to meditate is to do something deeply personal when there's nothing else to do. And yet, I still don't feel like those words do it justice. Our language is so limited. And that's precisely the point. To meditate requires no language. When I am sitting, or a lot of times laying down, I can tune in to something more cosmic and universal stirring inside me. We all have eternity inside us. Moreover, some like to talk about it as a spiritual practice. Is that what this is? Maybe? But what isn't spiritual? I love what Rob Bell's whole mission is about, showing the connection to how everything is spiritual. And so I'm learning more what spirituality means to me as I sit in silence. Because I'm convinced it has to start with us at an individual level. Not as a task, or out of pressure, but out of a deep love for yourself and finding that time when you have nothing else to do.

everything up to now is behind me

pretty much my life until now has been lived in a world of either or's // a complete binary to compliment the binary code we all live our lives according to // if anything, I don't think I would be at such a state as I find myself today if it were not for the experiences I've shared in the last two years // and I use the word shared here because I believe that's about the most honest way we go through life // nothing is ever within our total control // choices, sure // but the million of other simultaneous choices being made right alongside mine to perfectly coexist and parallel me is too much for me to understand // so I say shared // who said it, I can't remember; our words are only ever a metaphor // that sounds like as good a place as any to start

If I were to go back to the beginning I could easily give you a bulleted list and hit all the major highlights/lowlights of my life // and factual information is how I've come alongside my life pretty much so far // feelings, or maybe I should say "felt" feelings, are kind of a new thing for me // the feeling/awareness in my own body // the curiousity of my feelings especially // for example, was that really my dad in the bleachers that day when I was 10 playing outfield in little league? // and if so why didn't he say anything? // fear is a big reason not to ask questions // By age 10 I was already 5 years past removed from a "normal" family life // On top of a shaky foundation at home I was being taught the fear and guilt associated with my religious upbringing // I learned early on to internalize and retreat to my imagination

I can still feel the cold cinderblock walls along the corridor to my Sunday school room // fluorescent lights above me, linoleum floor beneath me, a cold unsettling within me // did anyone really want to be there?

Of course as a child you don't recognize your own towers your building up around you that will one day have to be torn down // Just like I didn't recognize my own need to safely sort through my feelings and questions // See that's what it feels like growing up in the church, there is no room for questions because "God" is the answer // You in pain, pray // You have doubt, pray // You need help, pray // And when you are handed the ultimate answer as a child how can you expect to look for answers anywhere else // so. fucked. up.

And if the truth is/was so absolute then why was my biggest fear not going to heaven // The problem, now I understand, is in the question // If heaven exists only ever as a place we need to get to then we have a lot of opportunities to mess shit up and get our passports revoked at the pearly gates // And yet this whole time it's always been about an awareness // More on that later

Turning 14 carried with it a heavy load // The path I had been on for 9 years, making friends, playing ball, kissing girls, all turned on a dime // A complete do-over // I'll never forget knocking on my friend Matt's door with my dad waiting in the u-haul parked on the street // stopping to say goodbye on the day I was moving // and the fucked up thing is I felt guilty // now realizing that my own sense of self-protection kept me from asking deeper questions about why I was feeling that way // so further in I retreated // punk music // skateboarding // all became safer outlets for me rather than talking about things

That pattern has not been easy to let go of // There is comfort in the familiar // But finally after 10 years of marriage I came face to face with the limitations of my old pattern and for the first time in my life sought out someone that could help me pull back the rug and start to pull out my past // More on where I've been these past two years and how that's affected my marriage, my faith and my work